Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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