Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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