Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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