That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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