dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
