covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
