nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
