GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
