i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
