Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
