Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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