Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
