My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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