I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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