dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
my liver is dry heaving
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