Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
