I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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