Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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