Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
