you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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