I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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