I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
