Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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