When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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