hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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