I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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