She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
