found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
