Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
