I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
