i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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