Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
