I just threw up on my dentist
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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