my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
