Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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