Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
