I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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