My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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