So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
