Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
