I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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