my phone needs a breathalizer
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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