My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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