I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
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