I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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