I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
