Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
