It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
