I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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