I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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