i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
